"Do they have a Bitch prerequisite?" – "No, but it seems they have an open-door policy for Assholes!" —————————————————————————————————————————- Alrighty, well, since my last few weekends have sucked I thought I’d do something fun. And I invite EVERYONE to add to this one. It seems I have the worst (WORST!) luck for first dates…so I figured, why not start a thread on it. Here are a few of my experiences: 1) Let’s start with Dwayne L. – Met him thru "Tim" (haha, inside joke, Jesse) and he begged to take me to the Hip concert in Halifax. I was stoked to go but had planned to go with the girls (Jesse, Paula, Leanne and Tasha). I turned him down initially but then a friend told me he payed $90 per ticket (bought them from a coworker who clearly ripped him off!) specifically so I would go with him. So, I said ok but we had to go under my "orders’ (I’m not a bitch, I swear). He picked me up at the girls’ apartment and we made plans to meet in Halifax (their tickets were being held w/my credit card so I had to meet them) and go to the concert from there. It was awkward b/c Dwayne is very shy and barely said boo. But once we got in the car dude decides to light up a joint (Jesse = "Who’s Bud?" – haha) and refused to let me roll down the window. Basically, he hotboxed me in the car for a good portion of the drive and when we finally got to the City an hour later I was flying. I had all these great ideas going on in my head how I was going to ditch him after the concert and come back to the Valley with the girls (but I couldn’t find them afterward) or get him to pull over for coffee in Windsor and call Kim’s parents to come and get me. And the worst thing – I passed out cold during the concert. So embarrassed. On the way home I was so annoyed I would barely speak to him and told him not to dare lighting up. When he dropped me off he leaned in for a kiss – are you fucking joking? I got out and slammed the door. Didn’t talk to him again. Loser. 2) Then there’s Aaron K. – I was warned not to go out with him..should’ve listened. This guy was in his early 30’s but I had to pick him up (b/c he had no car) at his parents’ house (b/c he lived at home). We went for dinner and the fool spent the whole time talking about how great he was. He kept saying “ask your brother, he knows me.” I eventually did ask my brother, he said he met Aaron once and thought he was an idiot. So, for 2 hours I listened to this guy brag about how wonderful he was and what he had (Dude, you live at home and don’t have a car – let’s get real!). He was a jerk to our waiter, whom I was friends with and I was so embarrassed. Then he asked me what I wanted to do. Okay, you asked me out – you need to have a game plan before hand. There are rules! Eventually we decided on going to Dooly’s to play pool. We grabbed a table next to some mutual friends and set out to play a few rounds. This idiot kept hounding me about how he was beating me and finally I let him have it. I then spent some time at the bar talking to some of the guys who offered to get me outta there w/out conflict. I declined. I then told Aaron I was leaving. He’s like “Okay, I’ll call you.” – Um, no, you won’t call me, but you will walk me to my car! Asshole. So, we’re outside in the parking lot and he tries to kiss me. Hell no! Then he asks to borrow money! Can you believe it? On a first date! Borrow money? No effing wonder you’re single and living with mommy and daddy. I spent the rest of the evening reliving this disaster with the Yahtzee girls. 3) Shawn (I don’t even remember if this was his name…Heather, is his name Shawn?) Shawn was really cute, had a good job, drove a nice truck, funny, friendly, considerate, and just seemed really well put together. So, one night we decide to go out for a drive and talk – no problem. The evening goes pretty well right up to the end. He leans in for a kiss (I actually allowed it this time!) but then when he’s kissing me he puts his hands around my neck…and not in a sexy kind of way. What the fuck is wrong with people! That was it. I told him to start the car and take me home! I jumped out, slammed the door and that was it. Freak! 4) Then there’s this dude who used to come into my work all the time years ago. I can’t even remember his name (I think it started with a C). One night at Legends I ran into him and we started chatting. He seemed nice but nothing more. Just friendly conversation. The next morning at work he popped in to say hi. Okay. I can sorta see where this is going. A few nights later when I was at the bar again he showed up. More chit chat. No biggie. Still not interested. Not long after he sent flowers to me at work. Sweet, thankful, but still not interested. I had to phone him that day to thank him for the flowers and card b/c I was going out of province for a bit and had to be polite. When I called him he said Christmas was coming up and he wanted me to come home with him for the holidays so I could meet the family. WTF???? Are you kidding? We didn’t even HAVE a first date. Ironically, he worked at the psyche ward at the hospital – I wanted to tell him he should try getting himself his own toaster, if you get what I’m saying. 😛 Needless to say, he didn’t visit me at work anymore.
EDIT: The guy in #4 – his name is Scott (last name starts with a C). It took some researching but I got ‘er done.
EDIT: #5 (this is in the comments too) When I was interning at the law firm there was a paralegal whom I worked with who was extremely anti-social and kind of a dickhead…maybe that was part of his appeal. But he was close to my age and it turned out he lived across the street from me. So one afternoon he invited me over just to hang out – and we did. We watched a game on tv and chatted and that was it. A few days later he invited me over to watch a movie which I deemed the actual date. So I went over and we chilled for a little while then the next thing I know he’s trying to stick his tongue down my throat and take off my clothes at the same time – the whole time while I’m trying to steady myself on crutches. I was pissed. I said "WTF are you doing?" He replied "What do you think?" I told him to FO and I was going home. He was pissed off and said something snarky so I said "Did you really think I was gonna sleep with you on the first date?" to which he replied "It’s our second!" Great answer, tool. When I was hobbling out of his apartment he said "Don’t tell anybody about this at work on Monday." HA. Monday morning everyone in the office knew. What a joke.
EDIT: #6 – Heh heh..thought of one. So, in high school there was a guy that all the girls "swooned" over -seriously. He left school for a bit to go to ON and play professional hockey and eventually came back when I was in I think maybe my junior (11) or senior (12) year. His name is Greg. Turns out that Greg is friends with my brother and soon enough he was at our house all the darn time (he eventually ended up being my brother’s best man) and the whole time I secretly had a small crush on him. After years of seeing him almost daily and hanging out he finally asked me out. Nothing big, just over to his place (he was living with his parents at the time) to watch a movie. Well, when I got there he was already half in the bag and continued to drink after I got there. We watched Jurassic Park (to which he knew all the words) and told really dumb stories. All the while, there was something familiar to me but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. He asked me down to "see" his room, which I declined, thank you (my brother warned me about this A) it’s his pickup line B) his room is full of spiders and I wouldn’t do so well in there). Near the end of the night, while Greg and I (well, at least I was) were invested in conversation he leaned over and kissed me. OMG! Stop, make it stop! I FINALLY realized what the familiarity was – it was like I was kissing my brother. You know how friends who spend so much time together pick up each other’s habits and mannerisms and even start to sound and look alike (people used to say this about me and Kim all the time – I think it’s the noses)? Well, Greg was like a mirror image of my brother all of a sudden – same look, same receding hairline (haha), same way of getting tongue-tied when excited in a conversation – everything was the same…and that kiss made me want to puke. I was disgusted. I got up and left pretty much right there. Yuck!
See Cat? I told you!
So, last week I didn’t bother to do a WU (weekend update) and this weekend was extremely uneventful. I slipped on the ice Thursday night and ended up putting my back out, took Friday off and spent most of the weekend curled up on the couch with the heating pad and popping handfuls of Advil.
I don’t think I did anything Friday evening (told ya it was uneventful! – can’t even remember). Saturday I was lazy for the morning, then my mommy came to ensure I was still alive, and then Amy and I did the traditional Cobblestone visit and then she helped me pick up a few groceries – seriously, she was my bitch. She had to get the heavy stuff. Ha!
Saturday evening Steve came over and we vegged out (I was already there) and then put on a movie ("Little Miss Sunshine" – very funny and dysfunctional). Fun times, eh? Whoop-de-doo!
Sunday Steve came back and put in a new phone jack for me (I now have high speed…no more dial up!) and then I spent the rest of the evening gabbing and vegging.
How sad is that? I was/am gimpy. I had to come back to work today but I was prepared and brought my heating pad…it’s lovely.
Next week will be better…lotsa stuff going on. I can’t wait. Legends ("Hi Heather!"), Oscars, then the hockey game. Fun times.
So let’s talk about all the things no one ever really wants to say. For instance, drivers. We all bitch about other drivers but let’s come right out and say it:
1) The sign CLEARLY states “Keep Right Except to Pass” – that means you are to get your effing slow ass outta my way so that I can get by. This is not a lane for you to drag ass at 80 kms in. It’s not a race. If it were a race (and you weren’t in the damn passing lane!) you’d be choking on my exhaust fumes, baby.
2) I can only go as fast as the car in front of me. That means that speeding up and riding my bumper won’t make me go any faster (seriously, there’s no where to go). And I HAVE been known to get out of my car and ask the dillhole behind me if he wants a piggyback. I’m not opposed to shooting off my mouth if required.
3) Your vehicle does NOT render you invisible. Those little glass things surrounding you, they’re called WINDOWS (say it with me). We can see you. So, please be advised that we know when you’re picking your nose, screaming at yours kids, chomping on that burger, singing/talking to yourself, or getting a blowjob. This is reality and you’re not a super-hero with super-powers, which is likely why you’re driving an ‘87 Datsun, sweetie.
4) You do NOT have to come to a complete stop to make a turn. You are more then welcome to slow down but coming to a stop is not a necessity. If you are unable to do this then perhaps you should be riding the short bus to your destination.
5) The GM/Ford/Dodge, etc. companies put a blinker in your vehicle for a reason. If you have to make a turn or suddenly decide to parallel park then you should be signalling. Otherwise, I will have to signal with my middle finger. 😛
6) The blinker, however, is not needed when turning a bend. Let’s not go overboard with it.
7) If you’re driving a tractor, get the damn mofo OFF the road when there are real vehicles behind you. Damn hillbillies!
It’s also the anniversary of Blue Rodeo. Yay!
Okay, so the weekend was kind of a boring one. It was shitty weather Friday so my plans got postponed. Basically, I gabbed on the phone with Amy for an hour and a half and then relaxed for the rest of the evening, chatted with Jesse in AB and went to bed. Sad, eh?
Saturday I visited Steph for a while (haven’t seen her since Christmas day) and then headed up to play with the boy for a bit. It was almost nap time so I figured I’d get him all wound up (sorry Cat). He and I played and read and then it was time for him to go to sleep.
Saturday evening Steph & Jason and Steve & I (not me, people) went to a movie. We saw Blood Diamond. A truthful but tragic story. It’s insane, the things that happen outside of North America. I’m thankful everyday that I AM CANADIAN!
After the movie Steve and I vegged at his place (watched a little JC) and then finally it was time for me to head home and hit the sack.
Sunday Amy came over and watched SNL with me (Drew Barrymore hosted). We gossiped a bit and then headed out. I dropped her off then went to my mom and dad’s for dinner, attacked my closet there (clothes that fit again, yay!) and was then on my merry way.
I spent another hour and a half on the phone w/Jesse chatting about the “old days”, high school, boys, working at Tim’s, Paula, the bar, and Steve S. She’s hopefully moving back soon. I can’t wait. Now all we’ll need is for Paula to move back too and then we’ll be a big happy effing family again.
I did not partake in Super Bowl festivities last night. First time in a few years. Instead I vegged and watched the “My Boys” marathon, chatted w/Anic in AB (she should move back too!! – Along with Heather and Vanessa – the Yahtzee heads reunite!) – had a good laugh over Trevor asking who won the SB (it’s live tv, it doesn’t matter what the time difference is!) and eventually went to bed. The end.
See, sad isn’t it?