Welcome to SANDYLAND!!

S.O.S.

Okay….I need some help. You know how we all have our issues?  Well, my issues have been the same since I was little…and they ALL revolve around my shitty self esteem.  And the WORST thing about having a shitty self esteem (for me) is the jealousy that pops up.  I have made it my goal to work on myself from the inside out, although, for me, it would make sense to fix myself from the outside in.  But that’s my sad way of thinking.
 
The thing is, I KNOW I’m a good person.  And I’m smart, educated, funny, friendly, outgoing, loving and pretty darn awesome all around.  But I always attribute the outer shell as the most important virtue.  Let’s be honest, the outer shell is what people see.  The outer shell is what will attract someone to starting up a conversation with me, or wanting to hire me (Let’s face it…my super hot resume is what will get me an interview but my ability to be damn wicked (combined) is what will get me the job.  I have proven this theory more than once. 
 
I have owned that my self esteem problems are just that: MY PROBLEMS.  But I can’t deny that they affect other people.  They have ruined relationships in the past, they have caused me more pain (physical, mental and emotional) than you can even imagine.  These problems are the most unflattering traits ever and I wish I didn’t have to own up to them.  But I do.  What can I say?  I SUCK.  But I have made the motion to work at it and eventually fix it.  I’ve been fighting these demons since I was a small, SMALL child (I can remember every single hurtful thing ever said to me, by both other children and adults {thank you Uncle P.}).  The time to stop is now.  Well, actually, the time to stop was 30 years ago, but, well, we can’t do anything about that now, can we??
 
I have accepted the fact that I am NEVER going to look like Cindy Crawford, Alyssa Milano or Demi Moore (that would take A LOT of money and "work" and let’s face it…I’m poor and not that disciplined).  I can do what’s best for my body but you know what?  That’s the point I’m trying to make here.  Here I am trying to say I’m going to work on my issues and I bring myself right back to making myself look better.  WTF is wrong with me?????   Here’s the thing:  I lost 65 pounds a few years ago, I eat well and exercise daily.  I take good care of myself.  But you would think that losing all that weight would make me more secure with myself.  That I would believe that I am "worthy" of whatever the hell it is that I should be worthy of.  I need to base my worth on ME and not what I look like.  Hello people???  I need some help here.  I need to focus more on FIXING this damn thing with my focus.  Because in all honesty, it’s my focus that’s the problem.  The problem isn’t with the way I look or how good of a person I am.  The problem is that I base my worth on the wrong thing.  I need to readjust my mind set and get over myself.
 
So, let’s try this again, shall we?  My goal is  to work on my issues with self esteem, self perception and jealousy (I can be a real asshole with that one, ya know).  But I’m working on it.  So, if any of y’all ever hear me putting myself down or saying something really stupid, you have my permission to punch me in the face or something.  Seriously.  I will deserve.  Especially the jealousy thing.  Blair, if you’re reading this…that goes for you too…feel free to punch me for being a jealous asshole.  Tongue out  I’ll be sure to either not tell my dad or hide his shotgun (and shovel).
 
On another note:  Amy had her babies….early.  I will be updating their progression.  AMY:  WTH?  We had plans this week, Dick!  Heheh.  JK.  Thanks for making me Aunt Sandy.
Speaking of Aunt Sandy.  I was visiting the boys yesterday and when I was leaving Jamie was playing Connect Four (I.LOVE.THE.EIGHTIES!!!!!) with Terry.  He finally piped up and said "Daddy, I want to play with Aunt Sandy….I can beat her."  Yeaahhhhh….he’s five.
 
Cheers y’all.
 
 
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7 responses

  1. amy

    Sandy, you are and have always been a very beautiful girl. Every time you come into work peole say, "What a beautiful girl!" And if people cannot see that then they have the problem…NOT YOU!! And further more, if ANYONE punches you, you won\’t have to worry about Dad\’s shotgun, they had better worry about me! DO NOT encourage people to do that, even in fun. Love you, and you are AWESOME!!!!

    May 17, 2010 at 11:54 pm

  2. sandy

    Oh mother, no one is going to punch me…Blair doesn\’t even read my blog. And furthermore, don\’t you think he\’d have a hard time punching me with two broken arms?????? :)You are not at work. I came over to have lunch with you before you become Popeye and you\’re not there.

    May 18, 2010 at 12:52 pm

  3. Cat

    Sandy:1. semi-superficial comment – You look great because you have a *great personality* and because *you work hard at staying healthy* and *you work hard at dressing the part* – it\’s not what you have (and you have plenty) but how you use it (and yo do it WELL).2. Quit talking about people punching you – you deserve to be treated better than that. Stop talking that way or I will come and punch you in the nose. :p3. you need a more forgiving memory. Like mine. What were we talking about…?

    May 18, 2010 at 2:10 pm

  4. sandy

    I just want to clarify that A) I\’m not saying other people are judging me. I\’m stating that I am my own worst enemy. My perception of myself is my biggest battle…that, along with my jealous streak. Not cool…and certainly not attractive. B) I would never invite anyone to actually hurt me, physically or otherwise. I\’m merely suggesting that my friends give me a good swift kick in the ass, metaphorically, when these traits rear their ugly heads. I need help in not putting myself down…CONSTANTLY.Blair (along with everyone else) loves me for who I am. I know that.

    May 19, 2010 at 3:04 pm

  5. Elizabeth

    … OK… I promise to, metaphorically, kick you in the arce every time you start putting yourself down, if you, metaphorically, kick me in mine when I do. I made myself a New Year\’s resolution to stop saying negative things about myself. I have tried to say "I have a beautiful smile" instead of "I thin lips"… OK OK so that\’s pretty lame, but you get my point. My negative self image comes from the same as yours, childhood friends, neighbors, family members (My adopted father) and generally just rude people who have nothing better to do than put others down. This is a lesson I have been trying to teach my 12 year old niece lately. She is in this "I am fat" mode and this is not something I want her to say or feel. We all know that eating disorders are running rampent in the pre-teen and teen aged groups. We all see the advertisements and we all know that they impact our point of views and how we see ourselves. I cannot look at a magazine without thinking "Wow, I would love to be able to wear that dress but I am too fat for that"… We all need a little encouragement to make ourselves realize that we are each a great person in our own right, and we do not need outside forces to bring us down, mentally, emotionally and in some cases physically.Sandy, you truly are an amazing womanb. You are beautiful, successful, and turn heads wherever you go. Maybe we can all start a cheer group for Sandy????

    May 21, 2010 at 1:38 pm

  6. sandy

    Elizabeth: Arse is spelled with an "s" (and I\’m not even going into the "womanb" thing). :)I think we all need to start being nicer to ourselves. I certainly don\’t want to end up with Heidi Montag syndrome (now that girl has some serious self esteem issues, sadly). I know that I need to believe in myself more. And I am thankful for all the lovely comments, but I didn\’t write that last entry for an ego boost. I need to find it within myself to be a better person to ME. I don\’t want to attribute my bad self worth or self esteem problems to any other person…especially to my nephews, Abby or Emma, or possibly my own children. I need to fix my outlook so that I will be a positive influence on myself and those around me.

    May 21, 2010 at 10:13 pm

  7. Jaime

    I will punch you 🙂 hahahahahaha just kidding

    June 16, 2010 at 2:10 pm

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