Why The LONG Face?
Alrighty, this is one of those posts that’s sure to get me sent to Hell. 😦 It’s semi-offensive (well, it’s offensive to those I’ve made fun of. Whoops) but it’s been a stressful week and I need to lighten the mood a bit.
I am a fan of actor Eric Balfour but I’ve said to Blair on more than one occasion while watching Haven, ” He looks like a pirate.” He’s got a very long and angular face.
Do you get it? Why the long face? Hehehe (I’m sorry Mr. Balfour). So, without further adieu, this is a post of many of the mean nicknames I (and my friends) have given to people.
(Note: Some photos won’t post properly so click on the thumbnail and don’t complain. *wink*)
I worked with a guy at Tim Horton’s named Anthony. He was small and skinny with yucky teeth and a ratty goatee. He was one of those people who was so not asthetically pleasing that he was placed on the backshift and to pack – because the boss didn’t want him out front anymore than he had to be. He was a nice guy but he got stuck with the nickname Splinter because, as per my description above, he resembled Splinter from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I don’t know if he didn’t get it or just didn’t care b/c he would refer to himself as Splinter.
SPEEDBUMP – This was the name given to a guy in my high school. His name was Tony and he was short and round and reallllly strange. Someone started calling him Speedbump and it stuck. I see him walking occasionally and I still chuckle.
SKIN-TOO-TIGHT – This dude worked at Dairy Queen (actually, he STILL works at DQ) when I was in high school and worked at Tim’s. His face looked like it was too small for his head and his skin was stretching across his skull. He’s creepy and he likes the young girls. In fact, he’s older than me and tried to pick up my 15 year old cousin, Tanya (she’s now 25) and I freaked out on him and threated to kick his ass. He once told a friend that “it’s okay b/c I look young.” Um, no.
This was a Tim’s customer (you’ll see a pattern here) who tried to pick up my coworker at a dirty bar. He’s mixed race (black & white), which doesn’t make a difference, except he has really pale, almost gray eyes – so they stand out and with his skinny head and
sunken in cheeks he really looked like Skeletor from He-Man.
PRISON GUARD – I worked with a girl named Danielle. She was heavy-set and had a bad attitude. She stomped around pissed off all the time and could not take orders. She would get mad every five minutes and would yap off or throw things or swear. I eventually started calling her Prison Guard behind her back b/c, well, she reminded me of a prison guard. It eventually caught on and others would refer to her as that (NEVER to her face). I had talked about her to my friend Steph who eventually started working with us. Stephanie DID NOT KNOW BETTER and one day called Danielle Prison Guard to her face. Danielle didn’t know what she was talking about so Stephanie sorta nicely told her (not everything). Danielle thought it was funny (I don’t think she realized we were making fun of her) and started referring to herself as Prison Guard.
We had another customer at Tim’s who had a sandy blond mullet, wore beige work boots and just all around looked like Joe Dirt. There was no other name for him. It suited him perfectly.
BUCKETHEAD – A guy I met thru my friend Sherry had a MAMMOTH head. I mean, this thing was huge. And on top of that gigantour melon of his had massive amounts of thick, curly hair.
RAT BOY – This dude worked at the gas station. He and his sister both looked like rats.
We all know that Cindy Crawford is beautiful. One of the most beautiful people (and my favorite model). Well, there was a lady who would come thru the Tim’s drive thru – she never had her hair brushed (I think she basically crawled out of bed and came for coffee), she never wore make up or dressed neatly (sometimes she WOULD be in her robe/PJs) and she always had a scowl on her face. She wasn’t an attractive woman – to say she was ugly would be an understatement – and her meanness made her moreso unattractive. She had a bad attitude and was bitchy. So, to be funny, I one day started calling her Cindy Crawford. It’s an insult to Cindy but it caught on quickly and we all had a good laugh at bitchy woman’s expense.
DIRTBALL BOYFRIEND – There was a cruddy guy who had a crush on me. He was married and he was gross. He would be at my work at 5am when I started my shift, would sit and stare at me and, no word of a lie, would go and park next to my car until my shift ended (stalk much??). He would try to talk to me and on occasion would follow me places. It got to the point were I would have to have male co-workers walk me to my car….mid-day. Eventually my boss told me to start parking out front and finally he put the run to him. Better the boss than my dad…..HE has a shotgun!!
HITLER – One asshole regular at Tim’s (see? Didn’t I say there was a pattern??) would come by around 7:30 every morning. He was mean and just a blatant dick. We started calling him Hitler b/c he would yell at us. Eventually I started saving old grind-filled coffee when I started my shift at 5am. I’d sit the last of the pot on the back burner and let it stew till I saw him in the drive thru (20 minutes fresh my ass!). He got what he deserved.
TREVOR – Okay, this isn’t really a bad name but it’s funny. We had a new guy start at work, Trevor. For 3 months I tried to talk to him. I’d ask him a question and he’d never respond. I was like “WTF is his problem.” Then one day someone asked me why I call him Trevor….his name was Jeremy. Bahahaha. Awkward. I still call him Trevor, for old time’s sake. 🙂