My First Blogger Award
What a lovely surprise to get a message from my blogging friend, Gull over at The Magfique Way – http://themagfiqueway.wordpress.com/. She is one of my favorite bloggers…a kindred spirit of sorts…at least of the blogging world. And today she put a sincere smile on my face by presenting me with the Reader Appreciation Award.
She is so adorable. It made me so happy to get her message. I’ve been contributing to this blog for like, 8 years (tho some of the older stuff is LAME!), and this is my first award. And it was so out of the blue that I just didn’t even prepare a thank you speech or anything.
But fear not, dear friends, tho I am planning to reciprocate this award at some point (soon), I decided to leave you with something from my life…I debated on writing something humorous or something a little stronger, a little reflective of me. I went with the latter (for something funny go here: https://welcometosandyland.wordpress.com/2012/01/13/something-happened-on-the-way/).
So here is something personal…straight out of my journal from waaaay back when (c. 1999)…something that I’ve never shared with anyone.
“I continue to lie to myself, allowing myself to believe that if I don’t think about him he will be out of my mind. But even the mere mention of his name sends memories and tears flooding back. I haven’t seen him, physically, but he’s everywhere I go. Still.
I’ve compared us to Hamlet & Ophelia. They were in love; he was more wise of the world and she was naive and innocent. He had lied to her, told her he didn’t love her, and broke her heart. This drove her crazy and on the bring of her insanity she lost herself and lost her life. The tragedy of it all caused by those three little words. Those three little words that I don’t think I can ever say again.
Because of him I am powerless. I have no control. I shut my eyes but he is still there living in my head, laughing at my misery. And I am left alone and still loving him. I often wish that he would go away and I’d never see him again because that is easier than feeling the way I feel. Pretending that I don’t hurt is too hard.
I pray for him, every night, hoping that he gets his life together, that he’s okay, and that he knows I still love him. Because I do.”
Heavy or WHAT?? I know…the things a young girl writes after a break up.
Anyway, I shared that with you so that you can see that my inappropriate (at times) humor comes from a good place and often to overshadow the depressing stuff. It’s all good. I simply have found that, as a writer,
most a lot of my creativity comes from a darker place…from circumstances that aren’t always the most uplifting. And when I write from this darker, sadder place the words usually just flow. And I have managed to turn out pretty good in spite of, eh?
So, thank you again, Dear Gull at The Magfique Way, for always being there with your great posts and comments and for this very special award. And to the rest of you: Thanks for reading.