I’ve been very sad since my poor Winston died last month. I would never have expected that I would miss a cat so much…but whenever I think about him, I get a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes and almost always, the inevitable crying happens.
Then a week and a half ago, I smoked a deer with my car. Ugh!! My luck is sucktastic. Fortunately, I was able to brake a bit and just nailed him in the ass. But still….the thought of harming an animal – especially after losing my cat – is stressful and hard on the nerves…and heart. AND I’m out a car for a month. (The deer is fine, by the way. He was a big boy and kept on going.)
And last week we had a bunch of crap snow and ice storming here in Nova Scotia (schools were shut down for 3 days) and the roads were a mess so travel was limited.
Needless to say, with all that’s been going on, I’ve been feeling pretty blue.
So Saturday my best friend and I made a road trip into the City for all the Black Friday deals and Christmas shopping. We had a hoot of a time.
She is the girl that I laugh with most. We basically have our own language – some made up words, some singing, some animal sounds, and a whole lot of cursing.
And on top of spending the entire day with her outside of work (yep, we work together), I bought myself a new lipstick. A bright rosy color that is normally out of my pallet (and not for this time of year). Whowuddathunk that a lipstick could boost your mood? I mean, I always feel better with lipstick on anyway, but this pink is making me feel sassy and smiley!
The day in its entirety cheered me up.
Rainbow Johnson’s Rainbow Sweater
Do you watch Blackish? If not, you should. It’s a good show. It’s smart and funny and sometimes it showcases the best clothes (and sometimes the clothes are out there!).
Last year, Rainbow Johnson (Tracee Ellis Ross) wore the most gorgeous sweater. I felllll in love with it. I searched immediately online for it. It turns out, it’s a Marc Jacobs.
It is sold out at most stores but it is still available on therealreal.com for only $225!
But look how adorable it is.
And, while doing some Google research for this post, I found out that Taylor Swift wore the same sweater (while riding a cat unicorn, nonetheless) during a TV commercial. Apparently, my sweater is super popular.
But, since I don’t have Taylor Swift’s budget OR Tracee Ellis Ross’ budget, I have done some checking on Amazon and found some close calls.
Here’s the white one:
Which one do you like?
(Seriously, I love them both!)
…Taking pictures of your dinner. Unless you have a waiter setting your cheese on fire or there is a 7-tiered waffle cake going on, I don’t need your photos of Mac and Cheese and mashed potatoes spamming up my feed!
…Reading your phone while walking! Seriously. You’re going to get hurt. Especially if I run your ass over. PUT THE PHONE DOWN and get out of the middle of the street.
…Using “I” and “me” in the wrong context. You sound stupid. This isn’t rocket science.
…Tagging me in rando crap on Facebook with another 47 people. Really…this is basically chain mail, isn’t it? Stop it.
…Posting pictures or videos of abused animals. I don’t want to see it. I just lost my cat. I DO NOT want to see photos of animals being tortured or neglected. JUST STOP. You’re not making a difference. We know it’s happening. I don’t want it creeping into my nightmares. THERE ARE WAYS TO HELP. Facebook is not necessarily the way.
…Wearing shoes you can’t walk in. I’m talking to you girl with the 3 inch stilettos hobbling along, bent over at the waist, trying to stay upright. If you can’t walk in them, don’t wear them. You shouldn’t look like a newborn deer or Mr. Magoo.
…Saying you’re not eating carbs. Especially when you don’t know what a carb is. Your body needs carbs. Carrots are carbs. Apples are carbs. (And don’t even get me started on Keto!!)
End of rant. For now.
Winston died 4 weeks ago today. This morning, actually. And although I am still in full devastation mode, the days have been seemingly a teensy bit better. I can’t imagine I’ll ever get over this loss, but I’m managing.
The morning he died, we had a delivery to my office and one of the delivery men was my friend’s “little” brother. I say that but I suppose once you hit a certain age, you stop referring to people as little anything. I was surprised to see him because he is not our usual delivery person. But there were two of them so he might have been in training that morning.
My office door had been closed most of that day because I was bawling the entire day and just honestly didn’t feel like talking to anyone. But for some reason, my door was open when these guys came in. I think maybe someone had been in back with me checking on me. Little Brother and the other delivery guy popped around the corner to make their way downstairs and spotted me in my office….crying. I said hello, as one does, and they both stopped with sheer concern on their respective faces and asked if I was okay. My coworker announced the news that my Winston had just died that morning. They both expressed condolences, and Little Brother came right in and gave me a big hug. He started exclaiming to his colleague that “Sandy is the love of my life. I have loved her since I was 10 years old!”
Apparently, I was Little Brother’s big crush. I had no idea. His sister and I were such good friend in high school and the years that followed and spent a lot of time at each other’s houses. How did I not know this? Maybe it’s because he was Little Brother. Just a cute little blond teddy bear that always says hi and hugs me through the years when we see each other. I never thought twice about it….
But would you look at that? I was someone else’s Jordan Catalano.
It was an incredibly busy weekend for me and I felt like a complete busy body having not sat still for most of it – and consuming way more chocolate and coffee than I wanted or required. But I’m finally just sacked out on my couch getting some work done and thinking about Christmas. Yep. I’m already there.
I went out fairly early this morning in search of a birthday present and stores were already in full holiday mode with big crowds and long lines. Too much for me, I will admit, on a sunny November morning – the day just after Remembrance Day. But, here I am with another Christmas movie playing in the background while I’m working and whittling away.
I always have loved the hustle and bustle of Christmas and the holidays… I usually love the crowds and the displays and the noise (okay, maybe not so much the noise) and running into a dozen people you know.
And I’m there. For the most part anyway. But today is just too sunny for me (and maybe I’m just too tired from the hustle and bustle of the long weekend) to be venturing out to get some Christmas shopping done. I was in and out of stores like a flash today. I’ll have to save my energy for this coming weekend because I KNOW the hustle is coming up and fast.
It’s been a long day. It’s rainy and nippy and kind of depressing for a Saturday. Right now, it’s late in the afternoon; whatever sun may have been hiding the clouds has now set and the sky is a haunting shade of pinky gold and green. A color hard to explain. But suited for this day.
I know it is soon and tomorrow is Remembrance (or Veterans) Day, but I’m already in the mood for Christmas. I usually get excited for Christmas once Halloween has ended. This year I feel like I might need to occupy myself with Christmas even more now that I’ve lost Winston. If I busy myself with happiness, it will hopefully take away the ache from missing my boy. Aside from that, I feel like getting in the spirit of Christmas a little early will also minimize the amount of times I’m spooked at night (since seeing the new Halloween movie last week AND from reading all these Ruth Ware books, I have been sleeping with the light on…).
So here we are on a dreary Saturday in early November and although I’m getting ready for a party, I’m currently on my couch writing this as I watch a Christmas movie. Damn you Hallmark for your Countdown to Christmas and back-to-back Christmas movies starting on November 1st.
I started out very early this morning having peppermint mochas with a girlfriend. Peppermint Mochas. Is there anything that says getting ready for Christmas more than Peppermint Mochas?
I am eager for the hustle and bustle of the holidays. It excites me. It gives me a jolt of giggles and nostalgia and I look forward to it every year. I’m certainly not rushing the season. And I am completely respectful of tomorrow and our veterans and will partake in Remembrance Day. I still have my fall decorations up and will keep them displayed for a while before taking them down to replace them with mistletoe and Christmas trees.
But, I won’t lie either. In the meantime, I will be spending a little bit of quality time with Candace Cameron and the other Hallmark regulars when I can.
These shoes right here!!
Several years ago I posted about some very gorgeous Party Shoes that had caught my eye. And well, these red shoes have definitely caught my eye.
They showed up in my inbox via the H&M holiday email. They are so gorgeous and I have been searching for them ever since.
But they’re not on H&M’s website (that I can find) or in any of their Instagram photos. So I have no idea if they’re even H&M brand. But they are sooooo pretty. Don’t they just make you want to cry?
I’ve been having a really rough few months. My cat got sick in late July and stopped eating altogether at the start of August. I spent a lot of time and money at the vet trying to find out what was wrong with him but to no avail. (At least not with that vet clinic!) I spent the rest of the summer whipping him up tuna smoothies and feeding him via syringe. It was comparable to having a newborn….I was up all hours of the night. If he wanted to eat at 3am, I was up feeding him, any time he got up or stirred, I was awake too, checking on him. Waiting while he used his litter box, bringing him back to bed so he was close by, petting him, and listening to him purr.
Even though he had three different veterinarians check him (and a dozen visits), I finally had enough and took him to a new clinic and vet. Turns out, my poor boy had a cancerous mass on his kidney and my time left with him was limited.
I can’t get too much further into it because I am still grieving – heavily. But, Winston moved on to Kitty Heaven almost two weeks ago. My heart has been broken. My sweet boy had been by my side for 12 and a half years and I am still getting used to him not being here. I would give anything to be able to pick him up and cuddle him and listen to him purr like a little motor. I’d go another summer of sleepless nights to have him flip his water dish over or claw me in the middle of the night or scamper underneath my feet, making me fall.
But he’s not here. And I haven’t cried yet today but I can feel the lump forming in my throat and the tears are glossing over in my eyes, so I have to stop talking/writing/thinking about him for a little bit and gather my emotions.
And yes. I’m grieving for my cat. He was more than a cat. He was a companion and a friend and a guardian. He was my boy. I will be grieving for him for a long time.
So there it is. That’s how my life has been going the last three and a half months. Worry and fear and stress and sadness and anxiety. And sleepless nights. But I would do it all again for him. For just a few moments more with him.
Now here I am. At a loss for inspiration and with this dull, constant ache inside me. Thankful for the distractions of work and friends and whatever else happens to pop into my life these days. Last week is was Halloween. And now we’re moving onto Christmas. And here I am on a Monday evening in early November writing an ode or memoir to my Winston with a Hallmark Christmas movie and Candace Cameron Bure as background noise while I type and search for inspiration for upcoming posts.
If you have any suggestions, I am open to them. At least for a bit. I need the distractions because when I am alone with my thoughts I am bombarded with sadness and then I just can’t delay the tears. And once that flood gate is open…oh my. It just won’t stop.
So please, if you have any ideas for me – so I can have something to write about and not dwell on the death and now the absence of my longtime companion, please let me a note below.
In the meantime, I’m doing my best. I’m hanging in there. I haven’t been able to bring myself to put anything on his corner of the bed, but one day that day might come. In the meantime, I’ll be here.