I’ve been having a really rough few months. My cat got sick in late July and stopped eating altogether at the start of August. I spent a lot of time and money at the vet trying to find out what was wrong with him but to no avail. (At least not with that vet clinic!) I spent the rest of the summer whipping him up tuna smoothies and feeding him via syringe. It was comparable to having a newborn….I was up all hours of the night. If he wanted to eat at 3am, I was up feeding him, any time he got up or stirred, I was awake too, checking on him. Waiting while he used his litter box, bringing him back to bed so he was close by, petting him, and listening to him purr.
Even though he had three different veterinarians check him (and a dozen visits), I finally had enough and took him to a new clinic and vet. Turns out, my poor boy had a cancerous mass on his kidney and my time left with him was limited.
I can’t get too much further into it because I am still grieving – heavily. But, Winston moved on to Kitty Heaven almost two weeks ago. My heart has been broken. My sweet boy had been by my side for 12 and a half years and I am still getting used to him not being here. I would give anything to be able to pick him up and cuddle him and listen to him purr like a little motor. I’d go another summer of sleepless nights to have him flip his water dish over or claw me in the middle of the night or scamper underneath my feet, making me fall.
But he’s not here. And I haven’t cried yet today but I can feel the lump forming in my throat and the tears are glossing over in my eyes, so I have to stop talking/writing/thinking about him for a little bit and gather my emotions.
And yes. I’m grieving for my cat. He was more than a cat. He was a companion and a friend and a guardian. He was my boy. I will be grieving for him for a long time.
So there it is. That’s how my life has been going the last three and a half months. Worry and fear and stress and sadness and anxiety. And sleepless nights. But I would do it all again for him. For just a few moments more with him.
Now here I am. At a loss for inspiration and with this dull, constant ache inside me. Thankful for the distractions of work and friends and whatever else happens to pop into my life these days. Last week is was Halloween. And now we’re moving onto Christmas. And here I am on a Monday evening in early November writing an ode or memoir to my Winston with a Hallmark Christmas movie and Candace Cameron Bure as background noise while I type and search for inspiration for upcoming posts.
If you have any suggestions, I am open to them. At least for a bit. I need the distractions because when I am alone with my thoughts I am bombarded with sadness and then I just can’t delay the tears. And once that flood gate is open…oh my. It just won’t stop.
So please, if you have any ideas for me – so I can have something to write about and not dwell on the death and now the absence of my longtime companion, please let me a note below.
In the meantime, I’m doing my best. I’m hanging in there. I haven’t been able to bring myself to put anything on his corner of the bed, but one day that day might come. In the meantime, I’ll be here.
Anyway, I just had some fruit, which was super delicious, and a small piece of chocolate. Yummy. I sorta feel bad BUT not that bad because Chocolate is My Friend. It was so good. And comforting. I feel better now.
Other things that have made this week “so far, so good”:
1) Winston cuddling his butt up next to mine the other night for warmth. I always enjoy a little love from that cat.
2) Spending much-needed quality time with Lisa-Lou and fam. Including Miss Lilly (“Friend”) and fat-ass Owen…who outweighs my cat by, like, 7 pounds. I think he actually weighs more than Lilly herself (who is almost 3). He’s a very needy animal….and I’m a very needy girl so our relationship works out well when I visit.
3) Having a certain friend tell me I’m special….AND calling me a DORK. I enjoy it. I appreciate the humor and acceptance. And the gift. Thank you. You know who you are.
4) Knowing my slap-bracelet has arrived from Jersey and I just need to pick up my mail from my mom and dad’s. Thank you, Jules. (Check out http://goguiltypleasures.com/ for Julie’s blog for a good time. I’m working on being “out-of-country BFFs”). A blog for her blog coming soon when I’m less
lazy busy and have more time.
5) Almost done Jillian Michael’s 30-Day Shred and knowing my tummy has gotten a tiny bit smaller. Yay!!
6) I bought a gift for someone yesterday and am looking forward to seeing a little excitement when I give it.
7) New Clothes. I am a shopoholic and am proud of it. Jaime…I know you’re gonna make me throw some stuff out now…hows about a little kick to do it?
8) Movie Night – it’s coming soon. I am very excited.
9) Girls’ Night – this weekend….who’s in?
10) Chocolate. Yeah, I know I already mentioned this part but *ahem* it’s quite delish.
Okay..back to work I go. A new blog soon!